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Was caught short one month and decide to shag my landlord instead of paying rent. He was great in the sack so decided to do it again. Married for 15 years now, can't tell a soul how we started it.

I make "imaginary" friends with other drivers using motorways correctly, and get sad when they exit the motorway before I do. Today I was in tandem with one for 45 mins or so.

Classmates called me Captain Haddock when I was 14 because I had a thick brown beard. I spent the next two years carefully aping the facial hair choices of teachers. 58 now and I realise how difficult it must have been to discipline a teenager copying your moustache.

Confused at the mention of a bread bin in the canteen at work. Apparently, it's not a special rubbish collection for bread but a storage container. I've always kept bread in the freezer and take out slices as needed for toasting. Now I worry that I am the weird one.

Facebook has just asked me to send a birthday message to someone who wanked me off after a 1997 Brixton rave and I've never seen since. I'm stumped on an appropriate response.

Solicitor here. Once acted in dead guy's estate and the family were arguing about what to do with the ashes. Agreed to split the ashes. Used a spoon from the office kitchen to split in half. Quick swill and back in the cutlery draw.

Detective here, on the odd occasion I have to interview someone called Anderson, I refer to them as Mr Anderson through the interview and pretend to be Agent Smith from the Matrix.

I really fancy the local electrician but I don't know how to ask him out, I've already got 3 outdoor sockets I don't need because I keep chickening out.

Went away for a weekend event. The hotel was pretty shit. During the "banquet" dinner, the reception phone was left ringing. Reached over the desk and answered it. It was someone trying to book so I told them not to bother, the hotel was crap and that I was a guest staying there.

Have a device that can capture and replay radio signals. I've captured the open & close commands for my dickhead neighbour's electric gate. Funny as fuck closing the gate when he's trying to drive his prickmobile in and watching him turn red with anger.

Wife said my legs looked good in shorts once. I've been using any excuse to show a bit of leg, including wearing shorts when its far too cold to be doing so in the hope I get that compliment again but the closest I've gotten is "aren't you cold wearing shorts in this weather?"

Someone hinted to me at work, just once, that I had an irritating voice. It still haunts me 10 years later and has given me a greater complex than a lot of other things thrown at me in my life since.

When I was very young I stopped eating mushrooms as my sister told me I was eating fairies houses.

My mum taught me how to give a blowjob on a cucumber once, when she was very drunk. I am a straight male. She's in recovery now. I on the other hand, have never recovered.

I don't have much of an appetite, so I eat while watching those survival shows where contestants are in the wild starving or living off a handful of berries a day. Then I feel bad for using the hunger of another human to my benefit.

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Came home from college the other day walking into my house like jackbooting penguin. Mum saw me as asked WTF I was doing. I said I just came home from the ministry of silly walks. She rolled her eyes. In actual fact I had just shit myself getting off the bus.

I can only make so many decisions a day and I refuse to waste any on clothes. I only own blue jeans, grey t-shirts, and brown hiking boots. I have worn the same outfit without deviation for nine years now.

Lived all my life in the countryside. Some downsides, like no public transport. The best thing is that when walking our dog, he shits in the middle of fields of crops. No need to pick up after him because there aren't any humans to put a foot in it. I never carry poo bags.

I am 55 now. I still feel hurt that we were lied to by Ivor the Engine. They made out that there were still steam train services in the 1970s when they had all gone by the end of the 1960s. Yes, I drove diesel electric trains. No, it's not a substitute for steam. Very hurt.