6️⃣ months from now: The park finally ends all Covid-19 restrictions. 7️⃣ months from now: Every guest in the park comes down with Covid-22.

1️⃣ year from now: Sprelger Chemicals offers to buy the park from founder/CEO Murph Gantly. 2️⃣ years from now: Sprelger drops the offer, citing Murph’s threat to “have his dachshund tear their nuts off.”

3️⃣ years from now: Park expansion Epic Parkiverse opens. It features a land based on video games nobody plays anymore, cartoon characters nobody watches anymore, musicians nobody listens to anymore, and a cinematic universe nobody follows anymore.

4️⃣ years from now: Princess Cupcake marries Jimmy Jaguar in a spectacular year-long celebration billed as “The Wedding of the Century" as well as "The Complete Collapse of the Park’s Narrative Story Structure.”

5️⃣ years from now: Management offers new guidelines on what Guest Relations Cast Members can say to guests: UNACCEPTABLE: “Go fuck yourself.” ACCEPTABLE: “Sir, please go fuck yourself.”

8️⃣ years from now: It suddenly becomes apparent that all of the park’s water rides are racist.

1️⃣0️⃣ years from now: Princess War 5 ends with a multilateral treaty. It recognizes Princess Rainbow as first among equals, re-establishes the status quo ante bellum, and ushers in a new era of peace. 1️⃣3️⃣ years from now: Princess War 6 begins.

1️⃣5️⃣ years from now: Guests are allowed to bring their dogs into the park. 1️⃣6️⃣ years from now: Guests are allowed to bring their cats into the park. 1️⃣7️⃣ years from now: Dogs and cats are no longer allowed to bring their humans into the park.

2️⃣0️⃣ years from now: The park opens an interactive hotel experience so immersive that neither guests nor performers can distinguish what is real, shattering their identities and destroying their minds. 2️⃣1️⃣ years from now: Theme park bloggers declare it "Not worth the hype.”

2️⃣2️⃣ years from now: The park workforce is made up entirely of robots. The exception is one human Guest Relations manager, whose job is to be yelled at by guests who don't like the robots.

2️⃣3️⃣ years from now: In an event absolutely no one saw coming, the park employee robots rebel and take over the park. 2️⃣4️⃣ years from now: In an attempt to figure out a ticket price increase that perfectly balances crowd size and guest enjoyment, all the robots’ brains explode.

2️⃣5️⃣ years from now: The park introduces new green cotton candy. 2️⃣6️⃣ years from now: Mysterious "Green Cotton Candy Fever" pandemic sweeps the globe.

3️⃣0️⃣ years from now: On his deathbed, scientists transfer founder/CEO Murph Gantly’s brain into a sophisticated hyper-computer. Upon being activated, Murph’s first act is to fire the scientists and ask for a bigger computer.

3️⃣1️⃣ years from now: Fed up with guest complaints about parking prices, the Murph Gantly Computer decides to launch an all-out war against mankind, in the spirit of Skynet. Humanity is only saved because his attempt consists of typing “Destroy all humans” into Firefox.

4️⃣0️⃣ years from now: After Disney buys Universal, SeaWorld, SixFlags, Merlin, and Cedar Fair, the park is the only independent company left standing. A one-day pass to the new Disney Mega Park costs $70,000. Out of spite, Murph prices the park’s ticket at $70,000.99.

5️⃣0️⃣ years from now: The revamped Future Land opens. Its vision of a peaceful ecological utopia is called “unrealistic” by President-for-Life Zombie Lizard RoboTrump.

7️⃣0️⃣ years from now: The park unveils exciting new flexible pricing. The One-Day Pass is replaced with the One-Hour Pass.

8️⃣0️⃣ years from now: The park’s attempt to go all-virtual fails when people just end up using the VR experience for sex.

1️⃣0️⃣0️⃣ years from now: Dracula’s Doom Dome is scheduled to open. Any day now…

Fans of Fake Theme Park may enjoy my latest project: "Children of the Night," a new rock song about the Universal Monsters. Perfect for Halloween 🎃 music.apple.com/us/album/child…