If by that you mean I stood outside of a healthcare setting to humiliate two anti abortion extremists then yeah I guess those are my true colours.

I heard Elon Musk had some ribs removed so he could suck his own hog

I love my 30s I’ve never looked better

I ain't ever seen a Chick-fil-A that doesn't have some Twink working there 😤

Wow! Tesla stock going down faster than Nancy Reagan at the MGM backlot.

One time my douchebag roommate asked to borrow some of my socks because none of his matched his underwear. I asked why his socks had to match his underwear & he just said "Look good feel good bro" I told him I didnt own any black socks, when in fact all I owned were black socks.

Elon Musk paid $40 billion only to get thoroughly and publicly degraded via Twitter poll like bro you can hire a dominatrix for like what $400 an hour?

I'm retweeting this every day until you all STOP WHAT YOURE DOING AND SAY HI TO MY CAT RIGHT NOW!

It's almost the new year and you know what that means! That's right! It's time to pick your annual weirdly specific kink to joke about having only for it to slowly become less and less of a joke.

If this Samuel L Jackson thing has taught me anything it's that I need to like all the Twitter Titties® that I can before my career takes off.

This is factually incorrect. They don't need to be in a dress at all.

Why yes that WAS an ad hominem attack, thank you for noticing.

Nice

TIL that 'not here to fuck spiders' is an Australian saying that basically means 'i came to get the job done' and it's the best thing I've ever heard. What other great expressions have I missed out on?

Any time I accidentally type oussy my brain says “French pussy”

Oh honey, you're not going "goblin mode" you're having a manic episode. Take your Abilify.

Still gotta be seeing the Rolling Stones with my big brother on Independence Day a few years ago. That's definitely a memory I will always cherish and also the only scenario in which I'm willing to use the phrase 'big brother'

Thrift Shop is the Citizen Kane of hip hop

Open mic comic: Mexicans LOVE Taco Bell, man Random Mexican lady in the audience: No