bf: I’m gonna go take a nap —> me: hears Fortnite noises

When will I have a big girl job……

Having a perfect cat makes me have baby fever so god dam bad

Happy birthday anthony bourdain 💗💗

Don’t drop your debit card around me when I’m drunk……

I’m sorry but can someone please make a documents about the musicians associated with burger records all getting cancelled for sexual misconduct during Covid 😭

That one time I took ketamine and felt like my head was too heavy for my neck to carry was actually so scary

That one time I shitted my pants on a FaceTime when I had Covid bruuuuh

Will not be tipping anymore

No one tells you about the amount of spiders you face daily by living in Hollywood hills

The way my uncle found out his son got into a fight with a school mate through a Facebook video will never not be funny to me

Ur telling me I have a cowlick AND my face is asymmetrical…. I have it rough

Ok but why does a peace sign from a guy on a motorcycle make my day better

Who…. has the British shorthair plug………

Ok but why can 5th grade girls pick me up 2 inches off the ground….

Bartending on a 1/4 xan was my best era

The way the Tesla can handle driving on LA freeways during heavy traffic all by itself is so 🫨😍

Why does it smell like ketamine drip right outside my house

One time I went on a date with this guy from hinge and he told me he does deliveries for the cartel and would drive to Mexico & he slept in his car near my house after our date? 😭😭

Men have opium coded & women have heroin chic