My Uber driver in LA was Armenian, so I asked him if he knew of Conan O'Brien. When he didn’t, I then had to awkwardly explain why my first thoughts about Armenia led me to bring up a gangly red-headed comedian Matt Gourley Team Coco

*Kamala Harris looking for a straight white man to be her Vice President* Trevor Bauer: I know someone who could do the job on a minimum contract

Jimmy Carter in hospice: 2/18/23 - Present Joe Biden’s re-election campaign: 4/25/23 - 7/21/24

Charli XCX? The featured artist on “I Love It” & “Fancy”?

Borderlands more like BorTÁRlands

President Obama is speaking for a second night at the #DNC?!

I went to Genius to see the lyrics for “Iran So Far” and having two Taylor Swift songs and Lose Yourself as recommendations was not what I was expecting Seth Meyers The Lonely Island

My reaction to not getting to see Jon Lovett on #Survivor because of class (due to my great LSAT score) and finding out he’s been voted off in the first episode

The US is so bad at gun control that even dolphins have guns now

Nothing can beat Seymour Weiner being veteran of the game for last year’s Opening Day, but the first designated driver of the game being Pat Beers is pretty solid #Mets #LGM

As the great Sir Mix-a-Lot said, “Baty got bat” #Mets #LGM

If the World Series is Blue Jays Dodgers it’s only fair that Jon Morosi throws out the first pitch Game 1

Sources: Shohei Ohtani will be en route to Toronto tomorrow. A representative of his agency, CAA, would not comment when asked about Ohtani’s travel plans. Jon Morosi

The prophecy has come true! Ohtani will be taking that jet to Toronto.

this game has everything. pickoffs. outs at the plate. moonshots that die at the track. marlins man.

Quaid Army ❤️ Meal Diamond

If the #Oscars doesn’t open with Jim Downey at a Christmas Adventurer’s meeting, asking who the host is this year and his response isn’t “Conan O’Brien, The Tonight Show Host?” I’m going to riot The Academy

It's New York Mets Opening Day! Always listen to Chris Rock & David Letterman to celebrate! Thank god we have Steven Cohen instead of the Wilpons now. #LGM

The Michael Jackson biopic be like