Also. Can we stop acting as if DIY is a hobby? It’s a fucking sentence.

Know what’s mad? Bisto have a calorie per serving notice on the jar. And the serving size? 50ml. If I made a meal that required gravy and gave you 50ml of it, I could be tried for a crime against humanity.

Fuck me.

Assassins Creed: Paris 2024 is looking pretty sweet. #OpeningCeremony

Gojira are fucking class. And that staging was metal as fuck. Most metal Olympics ever? #OpeningCeremony

God I hate this fucking song. #OpeningCeremony

You stand for peace but still let Israel compete. Gotcha. Lip service. Fucking cowards. #OpeningCeremony

Paris, furious at not having the Olympics for 100 years, petulantly make their Opening Ceremony last an entire century. #OpeningCeremony

Fuck me. Wrap it up lads. I need to be up early for the rowing heats. #OpeningCeremony

We’ve had a harrowing weekend of Fucking Around, so I’m very much looking forward to this week’s theme of Find Out.

Remember kids: Gammon & Coke = Delicious. Gammons & Coke = Cunts. #TheMoreYouKnow

I’m beginning to think I could lock George Clarke in a hotel room like in Old Boy and he’d come out after 15 years and call it an “Amazing Space”.

Happy Saturday to everyone expect the person who decided that whenever you ask your Google speaker to ply a song on Spotify it will choose the shittiest live recording it can. To you, whoever you are, I hope you get sand under your foreskin.

Surfacing from my honeymoon to briefly laugh my cock off at Oasis fans. The thick end of £500 to watch those? You fucking deserve Ticketmaster and surge priced Hotels.

Amazing.

I love this time of year. The leaves turning. The chilly nights. Digging out my jumpers. The stench of rotting pumpkins on every street.

The person who realised you can just lie about “higher than usual call volumes” instead of hiring enough staff deserves to be slowly penetrated by a Rhino.