Spit on it first

I wanna tickle your bellybutton from the inside

I dunno if I'm more jealous that Tim Mcgraw gets to bang Faith Hill, or that Faith Hill gets to bang Tim Mcgraw.

Might as well swipe right til they cut me off. #tinder

That song lips of an angel should be called lips of an asshole.

That was by far the sluttiest summer of my life.

Please stop sending me these weird animated snap chats. I pretty much hate every person I know already, don't make it worse.

All my friends are having kids and getting married, and here I am sitting on my hand til it goes numb.

I need a girlfriend about as bad as I need a shotgun blast to the face.

Tonight I'm gonna sprinkle baby powder on my ass and have a back to the future marathon. #BackToTheFuture #DocBrown

Do you ever just go around a party and poke everyone in the ass with a cap gun?

Do you ever see a really hot girl and think "I wanna disappoint her so hard"

There should be an "if I was drunk" option on tinder

Say "perhaps" to drugs

Don't post ultrasound pictures of your unborn baby. It's fucking gross.

Have a cup of cheer? Have a cup of go fuck yourself.

If I could turn back time I'd be a fat kid who wore sweat pants all the time and swam with a shirt on. #dream #denzelwashington #chubbyeric

All my shirts are ripped cuz i flex too much #queef

Why do people always but me fucking blankets all the time? Do I look cold or something?

A fitbit that measures fart volume, velocity and methane. Call it like fartbit or something idk.