Dear women, have you bought clothing with fake pockets, if so, might be entitled to compensation

first date idea: we call out cyber bullies for their bullshit behavior

women: let’s stop and ask for directions men: this unpaved road has all the answers

me: i’m drunk i definitely shouldn’t drive. any ideas young mc: bus it

what exactly is anthony kiedis trying to give away because i like free shit

“May” cause dizziness? No thanks. Get back to me when it’s a sure thing.

Gaslighting myself into thinking I’m in a good mood

what i lack in youth i make up for with great immaturity

caitlin clark only averaging 18 points per game? pft what a loser

if the grocery store is out of iceberg and i see that stunning cabbage display again— heads are gonna roll

got into a car accident a few years ago and buffalo soldier has been stuck in my head since

when you are finding out if someone is ticklish— testickles

i always thank elderly cashiers for not taking me for a ride

me: look at the kids and their lemonade stand, how cute grandma: look like a couple of con artists to me

in the grocery store today i overheard a man say “where the fuck is the strawberry emoji?”

i hate those type of garbage cans where you have to slap the disgusting trash trap door open with your hand

love seeing rednecks taking care of themselves at the doctor (the blood pressure machine at the grocery store)

thriller but the maniacal laughter at the end is seth rogens

when someone asks me to grab an item from a store i pop car garbage in the bag to keep the whip nice and tidy