I’m pretty sure my late 30s will be my formative years

30 days now til i finally get a neurosurgery consult. If it’s another few months to the actual operation I might just send it and do the surgery myself

A lot of so called fans don’t even realize humpty dumpty was just the egg guy’s stage name. His real name is Mike Perez

before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves. that way, you can take revenge on two different guys, twice as much revenge. which is great.

You gotta admit as a doctor it would be hilarious to see two people with munchausen by proxy doing it on one another

That line in goodnight moon where it’s like “goodnight nobody, goodnight mush” is actually pretty metal

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A toilet you can lie down on for when you’re really tired but need to take a shit

I’m built like a shit shithouse

Bunch of people at the funeral were super bummed for sure but a few of us still managed to make it a decent sesh

Just fell for a scam. A guy got my wallet by pretending to participate in the social contract and then pointing a gun at me

[smiling serenely] I don't give a hoot what anyone says...being stupid is Awesome ! 😎 [face slowly twists into furious scowl] I'm not gonna take my insulin anymore

I like “hint of lime” as much as the next guy but sometimes you need Fuckload of Lime

I would honestly start a new band too if he started doing this

Googled a band and accidentally got a grad degree in zoomer studies

My wife saw Yakub on the bus

They can have this one tbh

Up early and well vittled at the public house of one McDonald, whom I gather is a rich man & quite pouerful, but presents himself in effigy in the person of a clown. And my lady Cardwell fondled me quite jollily beneath the tables there.