Guy next to me on the plane was watching a black and white movie with the most beautiful actress I’ve ever seen. As we’re landing I ask him what it was, and he says Roman Holiday featuring Audrey Hepburn. Looked up some pictures and wow, that was just a stunning woman. RIP

The most beautiful girl in the entire world has a private instagram with <1k followers. The most beautiful boy in the entire world is reading this

If I was in charge of the music video for this I would do karate chops and kicks for all the stuff in parentheses

Good morning everybody. I’m back on my bullshit today

This holiday season, it’s more important than ever to not fall for whatever bullshit signature cocktail your local bar is pushing. No Christmas martinis, no peppermint manhattans, and definitely no maple margaritas. Instead, try this timeless classic: a glass of wine

Where were we

Friday again

It took me an embarrassingly long time to realize it was precisely because my mom loved me that she packed me a lunch every day growing up instead of giving me money to buy pizza like the cool kids

Roger that

I used to come up to this pavilion and smoke weed before going to my job at mellow mushroom when I was 17. Now I can just bike over on the clock and look at my phone for a little. A lot can change in ten years

Nonplussed, is a word I know, btw

I will do a lot of things in my life but I will never get a fake Christmas tree

Another viral boto tweet. Dime a dozen these days. Had some shit go off about queen beds the other day, god you idiots will like anything

[trying to flirt] uh huh yeah I would also let cameron winter hit

Did I bring a girl to Christmas this year? No. But did I bring thoughtful gifts for all my loved ones? Also no. But did I make a lot of money sports betting this season? No, in fact the opposite

Had a long and drunken conversation with my parents about every girlfriend I’ve ever brought home to meet them and there was a very sad moment halfway through when my mom said she’s sad she never got to tell any of them goodbye