Being an adult means you have a total of 3 friends and they all live in different parts of the country and periodically you just send each other videos of weird dogs and say “this made me think of you”

A little disappointed I’ve never been accused of being a witch. I’m not saying I am one but it would be nice to be asked. I want you to want me to burn at the stake.

Internet: I’m an ever-expanding library containing the entirety of mankind’s collective knowledge. Go ahead, ask me anything Me: does my dog like me

Haunting sponsored ad content. Baby’s first disemboweling

Stages of taking kids to the pool Ages 0-6: you might die if I don’t watch you at all times Ages 6-12: I might die if you make me “watch this” one more time (yes I saw the handstand, very cool)

To every Dad — This one's for you 👑 From The Dad writers, Ally and Joel Willis comes: Dad Law. This handsome tome collects all of the governing laws of fatherhood. Pick up Dad Law everywhere at the link below!✨ ow.ly/ni4M50OLeSS

When I say I prefer the book over the movie it’s not because I think I’m smart. It’s the opposite: I need 7-10 business days to process even minor plot progression and character development

I don’t care what anyone thinks of my beach body. That’s between me and the sea

If an alien comes to earth and meets a woman first, I imagine her saying, “Sorry the place is such a mess” and the alien says, “No no it’s fine” (just to be nice tho)

Victorian England is to women as the Roman Empire is to men

The mouse from "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie" is an ADHD icon

This note my son wrote to a girl in his 4th grade class is maybe the most romantic thing ever written. Love is finding someone you can make up funny scenarios with

Things that are none of my business: -money/finance: it’s all made up but not in a fun way like hobbits -phone calls placed to my phone -the to-do list I made myself -any sound that comes out of me with Les Mis in my headphones I AM WARNING YOU JAVERT

My last words will be, “I wasn’t going to buy all that stuff in my Amazon cart, I just put stuff in there to think”

Turns out the parents that get in line for school pickup super early just want some alone time to scroll their phones and listen to songs with bad words in them.

I didn’t anticipate that so much of my adult life would be trying to decide if I’m experiencing normal human feelings, a medical emergency, or a Shakespearean madness type deal

Oh we’re still doing this? All of it?

Me waking up every day since I gained consciousness

If my FYP shows me a video I’ve seen before I have a moment of shame and panic like, “It happened, I watched the whole internet and circled back”