Putting the word 'Super' in front of a word makes them better. (SuperGlue, SuperMarket etc) With the exception of Natural Yoghurt, that's just plain scary.

Sorry. My towel slipped. 😬

That's rectangular, mate.

Southampton fans:

When Gary Barlow takes his children out with him, he takes a massive boy but he only takes a minute girl.

Destroying furniture seems like a weird thing for the police to do.

Here I am, being a fool on Threads.

Last tix remaining! Would love to see you this Sunday 2pm at Southbank Centre with me chatting to Cariad Lloyd about this...

It's a good job Bo Derek never married Tim Vine.

I don't really DO crowd work - because I don't really like people - but here's a rare example. Plus a top tip.

Hilarious to see that tonight Channel 5 had a 90 minute long programme - hosted by Jim Davidson - all about how Jim Davidson had been 'cancelled'. No sense of irony whatsoever.

'I went shopping' - a songlet.

I've had an idea for a Christmas variety show, featuring Ant McPartland's co-host, Rupert Murdoch's ex-wife Jerry (and her family), Mario's arch-enemy and television's Ms. Willoughby. Call it 'Dec, The Halls with Bowser, Holly'. Come on.

If I misbehaved in primary school, my teacher would slap me on the legs with an item of stationery. Every time. That was a hard and fast rule.

When you're on a ride at Alton Towers and there's a sudden flash.

I'm plastic_jeezus on Threads and tothersimon.bsky.social on bluesky. Feels like this is a sinking ship. Full of turds. Which are laced with the worst herpes. And they're on fire. And they can fly.

IF FRENCH IS BASED ON LATIN, HOW COME 'DIX' MEANS 10 AND NOT 509?