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What do I do with the squirrel who fights his reflection in my sliding door? Some have suggested I let him out.

The joke’s on you. I happen to enjoy getting lost, and fucking myself

I just checked my balance and any historians who want to talk to me while I’m still alive need to hurry up

Are we being dystopian now? Is this it? What should I wear?

I’m an empathetic and emotionally intelligent man. Nobody knows what to do with me

Teach a man to fish, you animal hating bastard

I’ve been reading your tweets. I admire how hard you make it look

I’m feeling sleepy, presidential even

the lack of a pope has got me actin wild

Defeating Zionism with witty aphorisms is taking longer than I thought #FREEPALESTINE #Liverpool

I see what you’re doing, saving all your good tweets for later

Jesus fell off a donkey for my sins

Phew! For a moment, I thought I was breathing through my ear, but I was actually just looking left

Are YOU Rapture-Ready?

[The Rapture] Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*

I might move to the USA. What I lack in talent I more than make up for with gender and ethnicity

This fleeting post on an impermanent social media website is for everyone who said I’d never amount to anything

I had no idea so many women weren’t ready for a relationship until I started dating

People often forget how much they have in common, such as how they can go fuck themselves

My tweets are redolent of an earlier, simpler, alphabet