#blessed to have celebrated the Lunar New Year in the country of China!!!

A lot of atrocities have been committed in the name of Christianity: the Crusades, the Inquisition, and Christian Rock.

A girl broke up with me via text. Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I prefer the simpler days when gfs would just show up to your birthday in a party bus and make out with your roommate.

Gyros are made, not born.

The people who complain about Americans not speaking English are the same people who complain about every country not speaking English.

When I was a kid and watched a great athlete I would say “wow, I wanna be like him when I grow up.” I’m now at an age where I say “wow, whose kid is that?”

Someone threw cash at me during my standup set last night. I felt like a stripper, but with more daddy issues.

Gandhi to a panhandler: “Be the change you want to see in your cup.”

People incorrectly assume that just because I look like Ted Bundy, I must be a ladykiller!

The Ted Bundy documentary taught me one thing: people with their arms in slings are trying to kill you.

My ex-gf and me broke up b/c we had nothing to talk about: I talked about music and she talked about which of my friends were hot.

Dating apps neglect the first ingredient of a good date: chemistry. Luckily, they take care of the second: showing you if your date has ever pet a tiger.

Here’s a little promo for our Bowery Show (thanks Jerry!) - buy tix here! ticketfly.com/event/1874516-…

“Welcome home, you little bitch.”

New Ep. Alert 🚨 ⁦@KhalidNYC⁩ ⁦Leclerc Andre⁩ w/⁦Tomas "Tom" Delgado⁩! #podcast #podcasts #podcasting #podcastlife #podcaster #itunes #comedy #podcasters #interview #art #podcastshow #applepodcast #applepodcasts #manners #etiquette #EFFNUP instagram.com/p/B4fNmHwAHN5/…

Yooo! I made a video at one of my favorite pizzerias in Manhattan! Check it out and pleeease subscribe! youtu.be/Q1Fy1Sv1w54

Giving a fun tour of the diner from Seinfeld - youtu.be/XYMrkRNqeNY Jerry Seinfeld Seinfeld Current Day @theseinfeldexp Seinfeld Quotes - please subscribe!

Everything you’ve ever wanted to know about the #brooklynbridge and if you use this info on a date, cite me and see if your date has a single sister for me! youtu.be/imT_rYppSis

"I wish to be an American in America, because I am an American every place else. But in America, I'm an African American...I want to be an American in America. I want to know what that feels like." @otomasbell writingremixpodcast.com/2020/06/05/epi… via @writingremixpod

American systemic racism disproportionately impoverishes, incarcerates, and under-educates an entire group of people, while also convincing everyone else it was that group’s fault, thereby justifying the system’s existence. It’s an evil cycle. #blacklivesmatter