Tease him about how small his dick is. Follow me for more relationship advice.

Of all the questions this raises, the biggest question I have is - Why is there a framed photo of Boris Johnson on the wall?!

The only photo I have from my work Christmas party is of me proudly showing off the pineapple I stole.

Besides the point, but am I the only one who thinks he looks like a younger Christopher Walken here?

It’s the ASL sign for pussy. #themoreyouknow

Day 1 of my New Years Resolution - no sugar.

I’m at the age where I catch the social cue, but I jut don’t care…I’m going to say something really weird, and if that makes you feel awkward, then that’s on you.

See that tiny, solitary blip in Western Australia? That’s the only battle Australians have fought on home territory. It was in 1932, against emus. The emus won.

Ngl, ‘Oppa Qaddafi Style’ would slap.

Not having to wear a bulletproof vest to the beach.

Thanks to SIX The Musical on Broadway 👑 , Anne Boleyn is now being murdered by a man for the second time.

Jesus Christ, watching American Horror Story: 1984, and Zach Villa as Richard Ramirez… that deep voice and even deeper eyes have got me swooning!

Because whilst she no longer strips, he’s still a crackhead.

Nah man, that’s just my autistic walk to the fridge at 3am to eat shredded cheese straight from the packet.

Me: But maybe, just maybe, this will be the planner that finally breaks the cycle! Narrator: It was not, in fact, the planner that broke the cycle.

Well if you have a better place for me to store my depleted plutonium, I’d like to hear it!

Dear X I need your help. As you may know, I was doxed by Fred Wallace who posted my name, picture and partial home address here on X. I made a complaint to the Metropolitan Police and today I was called back by one of their officers. Name: Pc/Officer Humphreys. Badge No. 2417.

I’m using Internet Explorer, Russia has just invaded Ukraine, guys!!

How unlucky am I, you ask? Despite being pedantic and stringent with sun care, the ONE TIME I go to an outdoor event in almost a decade, and I get skin cancer.