A reminder that Magic 8-Balls will be terrifyingly accurate today. Please reach out to Counseling Services if you encounter an unpleasant truth.

A reminder to all employees that besides the company-provided uniform, public-facing staff must adhere to a simple list of hygienic standards: - no talking hair - fingernails must belong to you - non-Euclidean elbows are prohibited - no tattoos containing prime numbers

⚠ Time drift detected. The following employees must immediately report to Sierra Central: SEC: Echo, Delta, Alpha MFR: Sierra All other departments, please ready site for timeline synchronization.

⚠ A reminder to all employees that safety procedures must always be followed. While we strive to do the best we can to recover your corporeal and non-corporeal remains, sometimes even that isn't possible. On the plus side, new barely-radioactive ID cards are coming soon!

Good morning, this timeline will be under maintenance for eighteen seconds today, you will miss it, have a victorious day! 👍

Maintenance on this timeline is now complete, and Jeff has resumed active operations. Have a victorious day, and remember to drop by the lounge for our square pancake unveiling this Friday! 🥞🎊

Everything is perfectly fine.

We would like to mak□ a corr□ction. Previous reports misus□d th□ w□rd "perfectly" when the c□□□ect wor□ w□□ "not". Everything is not fi□□. S□□□ □elp.

The production line for square pancakes has been shut down and squarification should gradually wear off by tomorrow. Operations, please send somevody to get Bob out of the toilet, he was on it when he went square. Thank y□u.

This is not a test.

ℹ Attention: New employee emails will be going out next week to those that were hired. PLEASE READ AND FOLLOW ALL INSTRUCTIONS, we would like to avoid another triple pigeon event. Thank you! 👍

⚠️ Safety Reminder ⚠️ We would like to remind all employees that absolutely nothing happens in Ohio. Please do not enter Ohio for any reason. There is nothing happening in Ohio.

Dave, cut that out. You know we can see you on the cameras, right?

OK SO grab some rain-scented water and a plate of recursion lasagna, TheLexiCorp is HAPPENING ⬟ we go live on Jan 2 ⬟ we are temporarily closing apps TODAY Dec 28 at 9PM EST for backend stuff ⬟ it is an EARLY alpha so please be nice ⬟ access codes will be sent to your email

We regret to inform the states of Wyoming and Colorado that they are no longer permitted to "switch places for fun because we're both square", please fill out a Reality Alteration Request Form before migrating entire states.

We would like to thank all TheLexiCorp employees for not panicking yesterday! 🎉

Paychecks will be delayed by three days due to Accounting accidentally deleting the concept of money. We apologize for the inconvenience, as does Dave from Accounting, who will spend the next week in The Cube.

Please stop eating the copiers. Were running out of cover stories

⚠️ ATTENTION All EMPLOYEES ⚠️ Bad Horse will be visiting headquarters tomorrow, please be on time and ensure your corporal form is fully assembled. Thank you.

We'd like to congratulate all Lexicorp employees for advancing once more towards their inevitable death today!