I've discovered that it just confuses people more when I make sense occasionally.

St Patrick's Day is just Cinco de Mayo for Irish people.

Was so drunk one time that I got 'karate' and 'karaoke' mixed up. Started singing and all these dudes kicked the shit out of me.

Peter Paul Rubens: "I call this one 'Big Naked Chick, Sitting On A Couch Eating Fruit'." Belgian Museum Curator: ...

Me, explaining my proposed retirement plan to my adult offspring...

I drink RC Cola I smoke L&M Reds I got a Dale Jr. flag at the head of my bed Shit's Crucial 'Shit's Crucial' Ham Bagby & The Seige For some reason these lyrics always make me go 'Hell Yeah!' Just thought you should know that. Ham Bagby

It's been my experience that three beers before 10am kind of sets the tone for the day. 🍻

One of my favorite things to do these days is to go to Self Check Out and act stupid so they have to come over and check me out like normal anyway.

Puzzles are dumb. Okay, so you put it all together. Now what? Break it all up again and put it back in the box? Stupid. 🧩🧩🤷‍♂️

I just came across this movie on TV. 'The Ten Commandments'. Ever heard of it? Pretty exciting so far. Can't wait to see how it ends...

Don't like me...? Good. Then we won't have to have this talk again, will we.

Lemme tell you what... If there's no cop there when I do what I do. It's not illegal.

How old am I...? I remember when 8===D was the emoji for a penis instead of 🍆.

Reverse Manifestation: When the Universe takes things away from you that you didn't know you didn't need.

When I see a pawn shop go out of business, it makes me smile.

It's a real shame. I never hear Neil Sedaka on the radio anymore.

Is it still considered 'profiling' if it turns out to be entirely accurate? Seems like that's just utilizing your powers of observation at that point.

"Why are you yelling?! You're being abusive, sir." First of all, Fuck You. Secondly this is First Gear for me...

ACAB includes Columbo

If you tailgate me and I accelerate to create a buffer, and you tailgate me a second time, just know that I will regard that as a provocation. Prepare Accordingly...