11 yr old won’t let me cut his finger nails but wouldn’t tell me why. Finally got him to tell us he is going for the world record for longest finger nails. He said it’s the easiest way to have a meaningful life.

I invented a new Dad Show word. It’s when you combine a question and a suggestion. It’s called a Questgestion.

12 year old sick and throwing up all night and morning. Me: how do you feel? 12 yr old: tired Me: understandable because throwing up is a strenuous activity for your body 12 yr old: Are you saying I’m getting Jacked?

Just threatened 12 yr old because he wouldn’t floss his teeth. I told him I would rub my balls against all his clean underwear & tomorrow at school he’d be wearing underwear I rubbed against. I started walking to his room to do it & he immediately started flossing. #superparent

12 yr old: I’m not going to vacuum the hardwood floors. They look clean. Me: clean enough to eat off? 12 yr old. Yes. Me: Since it’s clean enough to eat off, you don’t have to vacuum if you lick the floor from 1 side to the other. 12 yr old. You called my bluff.

Don’t run from your problems. You’ll get to the same place sitting in your couch. And it’s a lot less work.

My son is wearing the same underwear two days in a row. He turns them inside out the second day and tells me, “the inside of my pants is clean so the outside of my underwear is clean”.

Talking to 12 yr old about his attitude; Me: Do you see the glass as half full or half empty? 12 yr old: I can’t answer until I know what kind of liquid is in the glass.

When one door opens, another door closes. damn, I need to fix my remote garage door opener.

Orange Juice is made of oranges. Olive Oil is made of olives. Tomato Paste is made from Tomatoes. What is Baby Shampoo made of?

Is the auto sales company Carvana related to the band Nirvana? They have the same last name.

i before e except after c needs to go away along with the rest of the DEI crap. God made i in his own image & it always should go before e, even if some letter that identifies as c thinks e should go first. i always goes before e. Get DEI out of public schools.

If it’s ok for the Gulf of Mexico to suddenly identify as the Gulf of America, why is it wrong for a Man to decide to identify as a Woman?

What do you call it when a Nun changes the topic in the middle of a conversation? A nun sequitur.

Find a job you love and work the night shift and you’ll never have to work a day in your life.

I heard you when you told me we were islands in the stream, but I still have no idea what our relationship status is.

When it comes to Friends with Benefits, the Benefits is the only important part. The Friends part isn’t important, it can even be unnecessary.

True Story: My son told this joke to a new friend at middle school. Only to find out this poor kid lost his Dad at a young age. My son tells me he apologizes every day. My favourite childhood memory is building sand castles with my Dad. Until my mother took the urn from me.

A lady I work with wore Leggings in the workplace & apparently that’s OK. But the minute I do any Fingering in the office & HR is up in arms.

Started the New Year with the BiPolar Plunge. Yanked my wife & kids out of bed at 7AM for a dip in the lake. As soon as I dipped a toe in the freezing water I screamed & cursed my wife for the dumb idea & spent the rest of the day alone in the car angry at my dumb family.