It’s like I don’t even know what to do with my eyebrows anymore.

Maybe I WANT my blood sugar to spike. You ever think of THAT smart guy?

Being a VCR repair man in 2025 is not as lucrative as you all may think.

Can someone write me a note to get out of being a responsible adult?

Never underestimate the awesome power of potatoes.

I have a bad habit of misplacing my sunglasses and making questionable life choices

Been in the lab trying to figure out how much Baja Blast I need to drink with my Taco Bell to have ice cold diarrhea.

Hey people .... just letting you know wearing deodorant is still in style.

I'm one of those old people who is constantly shocked by the time. "It's 8:30 already?!" "No way it's noon?!

There’s no better feeling than sliding into a freshly made bed with clean sheets.

She doesn’t want flowers. She wants a dragon that’ll take her to different Home Goods stores all over the country so she can find special treasures she doesn’t need.

If I knew the highlight of my day was buying bird seed and Metamucil I would have chucked myself off a bridge years ago.

Friends without kids be like... let's go to the Bahamas this weekend

My home security system is just a copy of my credit report taped to my front door.

Her: Can I have your pickle? Me: I consent.

The richest man in the world and still begging for more

Febreze, because everyones bathroom should smell like an ocean breeze and shit.

If a woman puts her hair in a bun you're either in for long night of passion or getting your ass kicked

My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 45 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.

Eye Doctor: Which one is more clear - one or two? Me: I don't know, what do you think?