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There’s limited seating remaining for Lady Gaga’s motivational lecture “All You Need To Achieve Your Dreams Is One Person To Believe In You, An Extensive PR Strategy And To Be Me, Lady Gaga”. RSVP by inventing a company that’s uber meets tinder meets cryptocurrency meets fascism!

#SXSW party tip: Don’t fuck with anybody who uses the term “ideate”

Nancy Pelosi and Viggo Mortensen will be operating an artisan cayenne-infused celery juice pop up shop silent disco on the corner of 7th and San Jacinto! RSVP by nodding nonstop for 15 minutes as someone describes their job while not absorbing a fucking word!

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#SXSW party tip: A great trick for remembering the names of people you meet at events is to repeat their name after they tell it to you then forget it immediately because you don’t care.

Cardi B and Hugh Jackman will be hosting a watercycling class on Town Lake! Pool noodles will not be provided! DONT ASK! RSVP by engaging in a hunger strike until you’re shown sloth content that moves you to tears!

Dame Judi Dench and some fuckin SoundCloud rapper are giving free pompadour cuts to whoever can explain why DJ Khaled is even remotely famous! LIMIT ONE CUT PER DOUCHEBAG!

#SXSW party tip: If the person at the door can’t find your name on an RSVP list, just stay calm, take out your phone and throw it at the person’s face while screaming “DO YOU KNOW WHO THE FUCK I AM?!?”

BUT I ALREADY BOUGHT CUTE MASKS

Perks of a SXSW Platinum badge: ➡️Access to all film, music and interactive events ➡️Mentor sessions and roundtables with top experts ➡️Ability to park wherever, whenever ➡️Personal security team to create physical buffer from bronze badges at all times ➡️2 murders

FREE FOOD: DaBaby and Jeremy Strong are going to be dropping hyper vegan breakfast burritos from a possum fuel powered drone circling the convention center! RSVP by discussing an upsetting tiktok with your therapist!

Bella Hadid, Gordon Ramsay and Marshawn Lynch are convening for a panel about “The Future of Space Travel for Rich People (and Not You!)” It’s going to be a real packed house so remember to RSVP early by getting a QR code for a Chipotle menu tattooed on your calf!! NO ANKLE TATS!

Elon Musk is dropping a series of hyper exclusive NFT’s based on his most memorable audible farts!! The demand is crazy here so make sure you RSVP by legally changing your last name to Pamplemousse LaCroix (Two words, no hyphens)! BADGES ONLY!!!1!!!!?!!

Tom Brady and Dua Lipa are collaborating on a new startup that focuses on the intersection of mental health and the price of Dogecoin! Launch party will feature special guest performances by Nas and Macaulay Culkin! RSVP by telling four young children that the world is burning!!

Meta is sponsoring a first of its kind immersive VR experience that allows users to interact with the endless dark blank void that is Mark Zuckerberg’s general perspective! It’s terrifying! RSVP by granting data rights to any theoretical great grandchildren you may have one day!

#SXSW party tip: If you find yourself stuck in a conversation with someone who you can’t use to propel your own career, just smile and say “I’m going to go get another drink—alone.”

Lin-Manuel Miranda, Shailene Woodley and Lil Yachty are going to be launching a new joint vitamin supplement comprised only of Sage extract, jojoba oil and Web3 essence! RSVP by posting an Instagram story that fixes the whole Ukraine thing!

#SXSW party tip: Avoid long lines by not attending SXSW