Receptionist: who left a dirty coffee cup in the sink? Mino? Minotaur: I KNOW THE CONTOURS OF A THOUSAND DANK PASSAGES, YET YOU THINK THE WHEREABOUTS OF MY OWN CUP ELUDE ME? Receptionist: it says "I'm a-mazed by you" Minotaur: haha o yea Kristi got me that for our anniversary

Found something new to say when I leave a room.

interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance” me: interviewer: me: you don’t remember me do you?

Using little plastic dinosaurs and some fishline, I made a scene for my wife's car backup camera. Now we wait.

Her: So, what is your major? Him: I study forensics. Her: Dude, that's just 10!

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we'll have the tube

This has to be the hardest, most futuristic exit of a Cybertruck owner anyone has ever seen thus far 🔥

Save money this Valentine's Day by being unlovable

dune 2? yeah I'm into dune 2: dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you

I just realized it’s called a “quart” because it’s a quarter of a gallon. fuck

Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn't real, and it's been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.

When I find myself in times of trouble Tinnitus it comes to me Speaking words of wisdom, "Eeeeeeeeeeee"

Giving away a bed frame on FB marketplace- hilarious and a perfect encapsulation of online interactions 😂🤣

They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much

I'll never salute you, you son of a bitch

1.Rage Against The Machine 2.Hold A Grudge Against The Machine 3.Get Over The Machine 4.Sincerely Hope The Machine Finds Happiness

scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien

[Funeral] Me: "Do you mind if I say a word?" Widow: "Please do" Me *clears throat: "Plethora!" Widow: "Thank you. That means a lot."

Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.

Stephen King: can u pitch my story to yr producer friend? Sean Connery: yesh King: don't fuck this up, it's called the sawsank redempsion