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My dating profile would just read "good fucking luck"

All three are together now, rest well.

Nothing betrays your age more than the slang you refuse to let go of.

I hate when I dribble beer on my Harvard tie.

I have hit rockbottom I’m watching an Ashton Kutcher movie with my wife

Him: what’s the worst predator you’ve ever faced? Me: a mirror

Polish crested chicken

Boss level bitch mode : engaged

My Indian name would be "Stares at Phone all Day."

I wouldn’t know that anyone complained about the Sydney Sweeney ad if it wasn’t for the 10,000 people on this app complaining about the 5 people who complained about the Sydney Sweeney ad.

I need to go pack I really don’t wanna

You keep tweeting about what you need from others, how they should behave. What exactly is it that you are you bringing to the table apart from drama?

It's so hot here, I'm breaking a sweat just bitching and moaning about it.

this heart shall always belong to you, i hope you know that

Don’t let yourself get too close to people who won’t ever fully trust you despite proving yourself

I solve most of my problems by ignoring them and hoping they go away

Can't, I'm in big trouble with the wife. I went to a Coldplay concert without her last night.

You political fuckers are getting absolutely Daffy at this point .

I just realized I’m leaving my dog with dad for 5 days and I’m not ok

If you wanna talk Jackie, just shut off the radio☠️☠️☠️