Me: I’m a sexual goddess. Also me when I see a penis:

I’ve licked someone’s asshole before, of course I’d eat something that fell on the floor

might fuck around and make a skin suit out of you

I don't abuse drugs, I make them feel loved.

Put aluminum foil on your crotch and keep my dinner warm for me

I'm going to have "the talk" with my 9 year old daughter tonight, because at some point you have to tell your children they cook mediocre meth.

Just discovered the most wonderful thing called the "stranger." It's when you sit on your hand until it's numb and jerk off a stranger.

The only reason I know how to spell "amateur" is because of porn.

Sorry I took my panties off while you were talking. Funny men have that effect on me.

If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back, drunk dial her late at night yelling, "What the fuck is your problem, Jenny?"

Making your Twitter account private is like putting a Master Lock on your dumpster.

Weed is the handjob of drugs.

Whats her name is so special to me.

Accidentally crapped my pants at Walmart and was offered a job.

Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.

I’d buy a beer if their commercials said, "feels so good blasting out your pee-hole".

Hi, my name is Peter. I enjoy long walks on the beach, holding hands, and lying to girls about things I like to do to have sex with them.

sorry that i threw the toaster in your bath, i was trying to flirt

Things I'm not good at making: A) Love 2. Friends • Lists