I’ve decided to use the word “thwart” more often in the New Year.

A woman's hearing intensifies as a natural response to a man muttering under his breath.

I’m glad I got married and had kids so I could always be surrounded by people who can’t find anything.

“work smarter not harder” brother I’m not doing either of those things

When you get married, you agree to share a toilet with someone for the rest of your life, and I think that's kind of beautiful.

I have only one rule in life: If a dog brings you a ball, you throw it.

Shout out to the person at a social event who's the first one to say they are going home and breaks the seal for the rest of us to be like "welp...I guess we will be heading out too"

Gets ready. Looks in full length mirror. “Well, I’ve done what I can.”

These days when we say we’re doing it twice, we’re referring to watching two in a series on Netflix

I miss whatever age I was when I was able to sleep through the whole night without waking up.

It’s like I don’t even know what to do with my eyebrows anymore.

My favorite thing to do when I see people I know in public is to pretend I didn’t.

My neighbor asked if he could use my fax machine ..... I laughed so hard I almost pissed my stoned washed Guess jeans

A salad with Funyuns as croutons… It’s all about a balanced diet.

No matter how weird things seem to-get, there’s always an episode of The Twilight Zone that was eerily similar.

*on my death bed* Them: any last words? Me: I’m, I’m still calling it Twitter.

The only thing worse than a man cold is a summer man cold.

A lady posted her grandma's brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook

I would rather walk barefoot across a carpet made out of Legos than go to my high school reunion.

Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking.