(at subway) my wife: can i get a 6" hot italian me: yeah you sure can 😏 (unzipping pants) my small sexy friend Enzo who was hiding in my pants: 🙋‍♂️ my wife: Ciao Enzo ! subway worker: 😒and do you want that toasted Enzo: Ah of course! (holding up thimble of wine) Abbondanza

the elites don't want you to know this but wombats are free you can take them home

A lot of you would fold in this situation

haaate that couch sleepy does not transfer to bed sleepy

I'm just too tired and exhausted these days.

my stupid girlfriend acts like her doodles don't fully capture the human soul

Oh alright… guess they didn’t know there was a real drinker at this wedding who would dare to explore the forbidden labyrinths of this bitch ass Marriott 😂 get real.

When I’m playing with two beetles and Mother walks in

humiliating. looks like shit. yet another massive W for earth, the best planet in the universe

sabrina carpenter: so what's the joker? barry keoghan: he's sart of like an evil porson