When a guy goes on national TV and shares your secret with the world

I don’t know who Machine Gun Kelly is but also I know so much about Machine Gun Kelly

Before the internet this would have been unthinkable What a time to be alive

🥃🙅🏻‍♂️🥈🥳

Zero to Midsommar in 2 tchotchkes

Saw the new Top Gun but never saw the first movie—I assume they cover the backstory on how these big machines can just… fly?

Zero Franzen at this Barnes & Noble. I sensed it when I walked in… a disturbance… I didn’t know one could even exist without the other.

My favorite thing about Matt Levine: he always starts with something like “Let’s say you have an apple and you want to sell that apple” and by the end is like “which is why multivalent derivatives can never break <σ/.3” and the whole time I’m like yeah dude that checks out

Parents picking a middle name for their child feels like the “now let’s do a silly photo” of naming

Tough week Sam Bankman-Fried but TIA for giving us 10 great hours of Hulu in 2024

When you’re a hip judge looking for a fresh way to sentence someone to death by hanging

You get on the band’s 727 and there’s a seat open next to each of them: Lyndsey with his shirt unbuttoned to his pubes, Mick picking his ear, John quietly weeping, Stevie feeding a live raven, and Christine. You’d sit next to Christine every time

My kids' school: Stay home if you're feeling sick! My kids' school, the next day: YOUR SON HAS MISSED 3 DAYS THIS YEAR WHAT IS GOING ON AT HOME

Me: I’ll bet they don’t have Wife Type 322.6B, the wife who’s a bit of an ins… wow

Doctor: Sorry, I'm not able to see your medical history because of HIPAA, you say you have some discomfort? Pharmacist: OK YOU'RE GONNA APPLY THIS CREAM TO YOUR TESTICLES OR WHEREVER IN THE GENITAL REGION THE FUNGUS CROPS UP, HI MRS PETERSON I'LL BE RIGHT WITH YOU, ANYWAY…

“Buckle up”

Greek Orthodox Punk Celebrates Record Store Day Thirteen Days Later l8r.it/XViO

Bad time for you if your bank looks like a house

Can’t get this song out of my head youtu.be/Haf0t47IjZc