Pulling up to a male friend’s house Gal pal: Do I need to take my shoes off when we go in? Me: only if you want dirty socks.

There’s a thin line between nice and cunt.

She: I’m taking medication for high blood pressure. Me: And why do you need high blood pressure?

A loaded baked potato is just like a regular baked potato except it has a drinking problem.

Me: I'll supervise *whenever you ask for help

I’ve accumulated many things over the course of my life… Mostly debt.

I can tell my Dad didn’t plan accordingly for retirement. He keeps trying to kick me off his phone plan.

Suckitdry69 on Reddit just told me I need to be kinder to myself

Boss: The other partners and I are concerned. It appears that every day for lunch you drive 45 minutes out of your way to eat at Long John Silver’s. Me: Yea, so? Boss: Well…seems a little fishy.

Jesus had to walk on water, he crashed too many boats.

*facing the wrong way at a cricket match* “Ah, that’s better”

Me: Ugh, I hate the frog days of summer. Friend: You mean dog days. Me: No, frog days…it’s when it’s so hot you’re carrying around a swamp in your shorts.

The wind blew and my face still isn't stuck up anyone's ass.

Saw a grown man rollerblading today. There is still hope for us.

You ever think how crazy it is to be alive during this window of time? Like ppl in 1487 never had a Tootsie Pop, the greatest candy man has ever made. It combines two top 10 candies of all time with the lollipop and tootsie roll.

My dad told me to make little things count? So now I'm teaching maths to dwarfs

Are we gonna start throwing fleshlights onto the court for NBA games?

6 yo: Daddy want to play keepy uppy? Me: Sure sweetie. Wife: [rolls eyes] Shall I get the pills hun?

Do little people work out at Dwarf Planet Fitnesses?

I asked grok if my wife was cheating on me and it said that it was impossible that I was married.