I haven’t brought my phone to the bathroom in a while because I’ve been knitting ‘n shitting. Mhm, the ol’ knit ‘n shit.

I can’t date until the curse is lifted

the moon will be taking poison damage tonight

Things are very normal in Philly rn

Hmm I have my phone… my wallet.. my keys.. I don’t think I’m forgetting anything??? (Tampon, I forgot a tampon)

Indecision is out, rolling a D20 is in.

Woman pointing a gun at a computer for some reason, 1998

That’s it, I’m pickling your diva cup.

There are no rules in grammar, I’m punctuating with my heart.

My self worth is entirely based on how many people fall in love at events I host

Told myself a joke and laughed because I’m hilarious but the other people on the sidewalk weren’t so convinced.

Everyone’s on 0mg of spatial awareness and 400mg of stench today, damn.

Today I watched a frog use its cloaca at the local pond! Go cloaca!!

I think I’m masking so well with my Uggs and free people sweater but then I perch like gollum in the office chair and make intense unblinking eye contact with everyone all day long

I want wooden teeth and a fat ass

replacing “chat” with “pack” from now on

Why did I say that

Why does my real adult human life feels like a child mis-managing a tamogachi

Piss! At The Subway

Forgetting my mission at Whole Foods because a woman’s hair was so long and shiny