Your a idiot.

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

"age is just a number" yeah the older i get the number i feel

We just need to invent a straw that lasts a little bit longer than 4 seconds but still less than a million years

My in-laws' rationale for going to a particular brunch restaurant: Everybody's going. We'll see so many people we know. My reason for NOT going to a particular brunch restaurant: Everybody's going. We'll see so many people we know.

If a young toddler pops their head out from behind something trying to get you to say "peek-a-boo," DO NOT ENGAGE THEM. That shit goes on forever

There is no food that can't be wrapped in a large tortilla and called a burrito that wouldn't be delicious. Shrimp lo mein burrito? Exquisite. Mashed potato and gravy burrito? Divine. Chocolate cake burrito? Yes, please.

they can't keep me here. i need to stir the big stew. the stew must be stirred

2017 qanon guys: obama. 5 letters. 5 sides to the Pentagon. a shape children learn. children. theyre trafficking children for occult sacrifice. its in plain sight. theyre laughing at us trump to literally any magazine in the 90s: boy i sure love my horny best friend jeff epstein

Bacterial or not, sometimes it’s just nice to be filled with culture

Me at my 225th rodeo: "What the hell is going on?"

please stop putting things in the fucking cloud

people who drive 6 hours to camp are pretty judgey of the way more efficient people who camp in the empty lots around town

"Only fans dead squirrel" "Bin Laden shooter concubine" "Iowa" You bolt awake in the mountains of Carthage. You are not online. It is 217 BC. You are the general Hannibal, and you have changed your mind. The future cannot come to pass. Rome must burn.

At an orgy Me, trying to throw my voice: yeah, that's a great idea someone should order a pizza

Fun first date idea: put on noise cancelling headphones, plug into each other's music, and desperately search for escape routes

*the barista stops me as i walk through the door* sir, there's a two scarf minimum at this coffee shop

hoping this is like giving your little brother the unplugged controller