Hello, I hope this email finds you despite being crammed between 75 Uber emails

Study’s show that a nap can increase productivity. This discovery was conveniently made minutes before a researcher was caught at their desk sleeping

I am also putting in my bid for Ottawa Senators ownership. I’m offering $40, some weed and a spot on Open Mic Mondays

*pees in a water fountain* What?? There’s drain!!

I have a reoccurring nightmare where I’m trapped in a conversation with someone telling me about their dreams

I lucid dream while I’m awake. It’s called thinking about stuff

What makes people who wear flip flops so confident they won’t have to run anywhere??

Whoever named thumbs really nailed that shit. They be thumbin

Literally not a single soul: Every night omw home: 🎶 under the chemtrails uplands and country club 🎶

Panic! At the Great Glebe Garage Sale

Wave pools would be much safer if the lifeguards had guns

911 Operator: First responders are on the way Me: I already yelled "OH SHIT" after it happened so just an ambulance will be fine

Customer: I know the owner of this place Me: Oh you mean God?!?!

Musk and Zuckerberg are going to fight in a cage match? As if those nerds need a cage to contain them slapping each other

The titanic is just padding stats at this point

I love that Captains Boil has DJ nights. Picturing some dude vibing on the dance floor with gloves and a bib, wrist deep in a bag of seafood.

I recently liquidated my assets by spending my entire paycheque on beer

Nobody: Toronto: A Firkin Pub

Star Wars taught me that all problems can be solved by blowing up a main reactor