There are no good places in a one bedroom apartment to hide a fart from someone you love.

I wish to fuck Facebook would do the honorable thing and go the way of My Space.

Could someone finally organize a World's Greatest Procrastinator contest so I can win.

I wonder if Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger will name their first born son Bryan Adams?

Does anyone know how to play the flute? I want to start a Marshall Tucker Band tribute.

If you're at Mortimer's during the day more than at night you have a drinking problem.

Please take a day and tag everyone in all of your FB photos as "Prophet Mohammed."

The reason things are so bad in Detroit now is because God is punishing it's people for Insane Clown Posse.

I told her she needs to stop stealing the blanket. She told me I need to start guarding it.

If I wouldn't have found my girlfriend at the bar when I did, I still would have found her, but years later at an AA meeting.

Whenever I see someone with a Harley Davidson logo tattoo, I see someone who got a tattoo of their favorite t-shirt.

There are more Chinese symbols tattooed on Americans than there are people in China.

The best way to get rid of the Mondays after a hard day of collecting unemployment is a cold beer and listening to Dolly Parton's 9 to 5.

Pearl Jam Tampons: For Heavy or Even Flow™

I you can't tell Waylon from Merle, you don't get to have a strong opinion on what doesn't count as country music.

Congrats to our winner James Wells for winning this years Funniest Person House of Comedy. Congrats James! #drinkdinelaugh

America was never greater than when it was killing Nazis. We're so close to making America great again it's making my head spin.