I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.

Your “normal” day is someones dream, so be thankful everyday.

Hot take: you snooze you win

A low budget for us for Halloween. Last night we carved a bag of Cuties.

you're either snacking with me or snacking against me

if you have to say "i'm joking" after making a joke, it's probably not a good one!!

I am an expert at finding the perfect words to say ten minutes after something completely different comes out of my mouth.

The greatest invention of all-time is "Bottomless Fries."

My teen thinks I’m too old to use slang and I think she’s skibidi toilet rizz.

Had an “a-maize-ing” adventure! 😌

Teeter of the Day. Tongue out Tuesday.

If you don’t add 3 exclamation marks at the end of your tweet, do you even mean it?

I’m not a conspiracy theorist, but try to explain to me why Muncho’s potato chips are no longer available for me to purchase locally.

Live by the sun, love by the moon

shades of grey

[bleeding out at the dentist] Tell my family I died of a gumshot wound

A new survey shows that women prefer shoes over men. By the way, I'm thinking of changing my name from Mac Dickson to Mac Louboutin.

I don’t have hacks. I just have the ways I do things. Most could be better.

"Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time" ~me, after everything I say or do