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Grandmas will tell you how fat you’re getting and then gift you $1500 for no reason

its so cool that a psychiatrist can give you pills but psychologists can only be like… “mmmm just as i suspected. you need true love’s kiss”

The Barbie movie really had no business being that good

I hope this is true because this is one of my favorite movies. It’s ridiculous and hilarious and I love it

I’m having a baby in 90 days who let this happen

My dad stopped by just to drop off a ton of water bottles because he said there’s too many nitrates in the tap water this week for me and baby 🥹

So far I’ve texted my husband the following topics while he’s been busy at work today: 1. I’m craving Mexican food at 9am 2. My unborn baby forced me to eat my lunch 3 hours early so now I need to buy another lunch 3. I bought some nursing bras Anything else he should know?

My patient told me he wants to throw the tv across the room because he’s so mad and I know he expected me to feel threatened or care but instead I said “can you at least wait until after 7pm” and now he’s really mad at me but what can ya do

I just want to know why my patient’s family member thought it would be okay to drink a bottle of tequila in the hospital and then give my confused patient a blow torch

I told the vet tech on the phone 5 times that my cat’s name is sunshine and I could tell that she was not hearing me correctly. I finally explained that its sunshine like the sun outside and you can call him sunny for short. I get to the vet today and they call out for “funstein”

Diet Coke is the greatest invention in history because it's a perfect product with no trade offs. Tastes incredible. Doesn't cause cavities. Healthy for you. Contains a small dose of stimulants.

Nothing like dry scooping pre workout to be up all night with your nocturnal newborn

Only thing on my mind is that 5 nights at Freddy’s song

you will never guess who's in the pic they're replying to

Hey sorry if I acted weird the other day my entire wellbeing is dependent on the tone of ur voice when u speak to me

on my 26th birthday, i wrote I Took A Pill in Ibiza…10 years ago. The song became popular several years after i wrote it. Yesterday i celebrated my 36th birthday. i feel proud to look at the song lyrics and know that NONE of them are true anymore. I’ve grown into a completely

i am begging everyone to expect much less out of me

I really can’t get over the fact that I have a whole baby and she’s just the most perfect angel Little Isla my love

There’s just something about a zesto hot dog that hits when you’re pregnant