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Hey, wanna come over and let me try you out like a newly installed toilet seat? Pick up lines are easy

You accidentally shit all over him 2 times and all of a sudden he's not in to morning sex anymore

Never let go of your boobs or they will grow sprouts like old potatoes

If you tell them your poop is a mix of magical beans they will worship you

Hit the jackpot at an estate sale with buy 1 get 2 free dildos (Gently used)

A dude wanted to go half on a pizza at work and I remembered how he took all the big pieces last time This time,I got out a tape measure and my own pizza slicer ! Adulting is easy

That's the poetriest shit I've ever read dude.

You can be an influencer of my middle finger

I love it when someone with no clothes on tries to lecture me on here

I'm just saying..what's the point in missing one day of work when you have to work the next day.ruins your day off. So! may as well enjoy one day by taking off 2 in a row.

🔪 I will MUTE everyone using the 4000 character limit. I don't come to twitter to read ebooks

Don't think! Or you'll talk yourself out if it

*reads one page instructions on fixing something * *takes the rest of the day off

No offense dude but your friends are a bunch of hags

Never worry about someone not liking you that can't even tweet the word "FUCK"

Sorry. Can't listen to your shit when I have 2 ciggs left - Me. Ocd as fuck

If you need to turn the hormones down, just put some oral gel on your clit 🤌

Me - Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party Cw - oh no you don't! We know you steal them from the cemetery

If you get your man neutered you will have to wipe his ass for him because his stomach gets real big and he can't lick his butthola anymore.

🗣 YOU CAN'T SAY "SHIT" "FUCK" OR "ASS" ON HERE ANYMORE!