[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy [friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?

There really does need to be a separate Emmys category called "Comedy (Funny)"

mom, can you pick me up? my bit didn’t land

how can he be charlie iii when they're already up to charlie xcx

catcalling exists not to compliment but to remind us we are being watched. it exists to make sure we never forget that even when we are walking to jewel osco for some fucking pasta we are a spectacle& need to be hyper-aware that our bodies are for sex. the pasta was good though

professor x: whats your superpower? ostrich: i lay big egg professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

saying go piss girl when someone needs to pee is just as respectful and important as saying bless u when someone sneezes and i stand by that.

.kim petras is nominated at the #GRAMMYs for the first time.

Jessica DeFino on how the ‘medical gaze’ is the new male gaze. #Beauty

and on top of everything else, fingies cold

I would love to grind up yoda and smoke him like weed

every boy group has at least one: - deep voiced boy - gay Christian - unrepentant homosexual - horrible little gremlin - guy whose thoughts are the wii shop music 24/7

the restaurant buzzer going off feels like being given a rose on the bachelor

KYLO REN IS A NEPO BABY!!!!!!

i wish you could sort letterboxd by horniest

Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.

Now I may not be gay but I am in love with a man ... 2 words the kernel god bless you and your original recipe