I asked Theo to bring me a fruity drink at the bowling alley and he came back with a Shirley temple. “Why does it have a fancy name if there’s no alcohol in it?”

me: watches a show called Unsolved Mysteries narrator: the case was never solved me:

I always feel like I’m about to be in trouble or am forgetting something extremely important that I need to do

Listening to music at work is the hardest try not to sing challenge

Honestly those little “stop scrolling go to bed” tiktoks make me feel like I’ve accomplished something. “I’ve been scrolling for HOW long!?! Bet I could double it”

Felt cute Saturday

yes, kids are now on their phones a lot, in the same way that a rat in a completely empty cage will spend a lot of time giving itself painful electrical shocks just for something to do

Can I put this Timehop streak on my resume?

Volcanoes are just earth zits

when will they put hamtaro ham-ham heartbreak on the nintendo switch

Photos that don't look real but are - thread 🧵 1. Cranberry harvest by Kristina Makeeva

My dog’s first name is Beetlejuice. Middle name is Beetlejuice. But his last name is McGonagall, which must be a huge relief to every pharmacist who has to speak his name.

I could care less about banning tiktok, when the fuck are we getting affordable or even universal healthcare?? When these goddamn grocery prices gonna go down?? When are we going to have a government that actually fucking cares about the people it's governing???

Dalé

“Justin just missed that compliment” “WHAT WAS IT WHO SAID IM SEXY?”

What’s stopping me from making a registry? What just cuz I’m not getting married I don’t need new things?

Lil sweeties