HIPSTER COP: *into radio* "We've got a 13-88 in progress...it's a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn't know it"

You know how American high school students are zero cool? They started the 420 thing. Hope you feel super cool in that knowledge.

"She's about 5'8. Blond. A lovely girl. I'm just afraid she might be dead" Quote of the day from Bates Motel there.

Another favourite quote is Mrs Bates when talking to Norman's potential love interest asking "what's your life expectancy?". Passion killah.

John Torode saying 'bush fire' made me feel funny..

Due to Masterchef I'm completely starving so I've sold my soul (made a deal) with the devil (other half) he gets ice cream I do the dishes.

Imagine, Imagine the fifth of.... wait.

Is anyone in/around Glasgow after 2 standing tickets for Laura Marling tonight?

My favourite thing about football is when someone looks like they might score and the commentator gets all high pitched and nothing happens.

I enjoy organising the pile of ironing, putting the ironing board up, turning the iron on and then ignoring it and sitting down to watch tv.

I have the body of a 25 year old. A 25 year old walrus.

@warandkeith read this as suppository. Now wondering why I'm telling you this..

@MsEllaSimone look at your eyes!! Incredible.

@MsEllaSimone you are most welcome x

The worst thing about fathers day is everyone on Facebook using your/you're wrongly. Gah!

Me and my wife are going to row across the Atlantic in October. It'll probably start on the way to the airport.

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you've got yourself a crap horse.

Wake up Costa Coffee and Starbucks we want coffee cups that can actually be recycled NOW. Wake up and smell the waste #wastenot