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i just need people to understand that before cell phones we had to call landlines and your friend's parents would answer and YOU HAD TO TALK TO THEIR PARENTS until your friend came to the phone

I can't believe we landed a rover on Mars, but my cereal boxes still don't have Ziploc closures.

If your child isn't yelling, "That's NOT the way my teacher told us to do it!" and you're not yelling, "Well, that's the ONLY way I know how to do it!"...are you even helping them with their math homework?

This is the best Amazon review I’ve ever seen. 😂

Shoutout to all the parents who are snacking on their kids' Halloween candy while they're at school and burying the evidence deep in the trash. You are my people.

Ran into a friend at the store today: Her: "I cut out sugar, wine, bought a new treadmill...I feel great!" Me: "I just got $35 worth of Halloween candy for like $8. I feel pretty great, too."

Aging is tricky. It's like you still feel young INSIDE, but then every once in a while you accidentally open a front facing camera and reality just smacks you in the face.

Things I'm super good at: 1. Forgetting someone's name 30 seconds after they tell me. 2. Digging through the trash for the food box I just tossed, because I already forgot the directions. 3. Making plans. And then immediately regretting making plans.

A collection of 22 very funny tweets about raising boys! ⬇️ imightbefunny.com/humor/18-funny…

Dear Family, I hope you enjoyed your Thanksgiving meal. Because the leftovers will be your breakfast, lunch, and dinner for the next 5 days. I’m done. Love, Mom

Shoutout to everyone spending New Year's Eve at home, sitting on the couch in pajamas, eating snacks and watching TV, while scrolling through your phone. You are my people.

To all the people that still have piles of crap in their living room from Christmas because they just can’t even deal with it: I see you. I feel you. I am you.

Just overheard my daughter calling upstairs to her teenage brother: "Can you come here and help me with something?" My son: "I'm busy...ask Mom!" My daughter: "No! I'm asking YOU. Mom does ENOUGH stuff around here." And just like that, I have a favorite child.

Shoutout to everyone who grew up singing the wrong lyrics to songs because there was no Google to correct us. You are my people.

1st kid: Height and weight carefully recorded monthly in baby book. 2nd kid: Growth recorded every once in a while on scraps of paper. 3rd kid: "Hey, where's MY growth chart?" Me: "You grew. You're fine."

Some people are impressed by expensive, designer labels. Me? I'm impressed by bargains. You're telling me you found that cute sweater on clearance for only 12 bucks? RESPECT.

Kids, 364 days a year: "I can't find my shoes!" "I can't find my jacket!" "I can't find my homework!" "I can't find my water bottle!" "I can't find my library book!" Kids, Easter Sunday: Can find a tiny egg camouflaged in the grass a quarter mile away.

Check out the funniest quips from kids here ⬇️😊 imightbefunny.com/humor/out-of-t…

Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet...all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.

Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300. Lemme tell you something...for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.