stop asking me "wyd" i'm literally at home reliving the same exact day every day

We see you are drunk again and will help you reset your password

My kid moved out and is with a boy I don’t like and I just remembered I need to call my mom and apologize for doing the exact same thing at her age

Might just fuck around and admit whatever went away, I'll get it over now. I'll get money, I'll get funny again.

I’m wearing a size small tank top so I’m about to eat some apple pie bc mama didn’t raise no tiny mite

I’m sure it’s totally fine for my brain that the app I open to see little jokes is also riddled with blatant racism, open misogyny, and a never ending onslaught of serious political posts

Linger, by The Cranberries, is my favorite song about being dutch ovened by your lover

Locally sourced, organically grown ray of sunshine checking in.

So tired of this neverending pointless ugliness. I am glad I'm a Cat. Embarrassed for humanity.

New "sexin' time" tape came today

Red is the elite nail color. Now, forever & always.

Look at you serving as evidence of yourself, where’d you learn that metaphysics class

Metric conversions for high altitude boxed brownie recipes, 10°C is 50°F, 20°C is 100°F, 40°C is approximately water’s boiling point & we prolly went to school together

I need a day that ends with O instead of Y.

Be your biggest critic, so I don't have to.

Every day I go and do my silly little tasks

You know what's refreshing? Revenge.

Sorry, 60 minutes, it's that clock ticking noise. Pass.

This woman on ESPNews anchoring the commercial breaks of the F1 race has DEFINITELY thrown a glass of wine at someone before and I support her.