I'll get rabies one day from giving a drooling squirrel little kisses.

I think people call me passionate as an insult.

Algorithms are like horny people. ‘Oh you like that, then let me show you this and this and this’.

Ah yes, "ire." Aka my food of love.

I said no festoons, you fuck.

I don’t have FOMO, I have FOBI - Fear Of Being Included.

Lol, good luck little guy. Consciousness is the first stage of torture.

Champollion was the first person to translate the Rosetta Stone and unlock the secrets of Egyptian hieroglyphs. What are you even doing with your life, you piece of shit.

It's harder to make lemonade out of rat chunks and poison arrows.

I just misspelled 'competence' in an auditors report. Wish me luck!

Usually I only have to get rejected three or four times to take the hint.

I’m always surprised when my tweets don’t do well and have been in a state of constant dismay for over a decade

The library over the road doesn’t have a dress-code but I suspect they will by tomorrow

Going to do lent really quickly. Fast fast.

Today's Tarot Card: You brighten everyone's morning with your incandescent rage.

I'm making a voodoo doll of myself but I'm giving it really nice clothes, cool hair and a bitchin car

You think gas stoves are a danger? Ask the fire department about the risks of letting a white woman loose in the house with a bottle of wine and too many scented candles.

I’m the classic damsel in distress; all the color drained from my lithe face and body except the hot roses of fear from my cheeks. But wait! Here comes my hero wearing a cape made of all the red flags in the world.