Me: ok that's everything in the dishwasher *presses start and turns around* Teaspoon: you're not gonna believe this

Sorry Tik Tok, can’t right now. I’m still tryin’ to figure out how to Wang Chung.

If my wife and I start a movie after 8PM it automatically becomes a two night event.

That split second when you're sure you are going to die after you lean to far back in your chair.

Sat down on the toilet but forgot my phone so I had to poop while staring at the back of the door like a goddamn cave man.

Everything fucking magically appears when a woman looks for it.

5: I need a pipecleaner me: oddly enough, there is one tied to my door handle 5: I need some string me: in the basement, the room next to dad’s office 5: I need a purple crayon me: under the couch in the toy room also me: where tf is my phone?

Maps: turn right in 500ft Me: how far is that Maps: make a u-turn

As I sat there in the dentists chair with the hygienist knuckle deep in my mouth, I couldn’t help but feel thankful that she didn’t view wearing rubber gloves as a violation of her personal freedom.

Wow, that family that owns the local funeral home sure seems normal. - said no one ever

Everything I know about opera i learned from Bugs Bunny in drag

“Save The Date!” Is what is said, but “Make An Excuse!” Is what I read.

an app for driving in the dark and it says horses when you drive past horses

Was gonna say somethin’ nice about marriage, but I walked in on my wife watching “Young Sheldon” and now I’m not so sure that I want to be married anymore.

I think my kids got “Christmas list” and “prayer requests” mixed up.

You think you are pretty laid back until you watch your kids decorate a gingerbread house all by themselves.

“It’s 9am somewhere” -me having my first sip of water at 2pm

Dear Elected U.S. Officials, Lock yourselves in a room - all of you. Don’t come out until you find some meaningful solutions (this will involve compromise). If you can’t find solutions, you’ll be relieved of your duties and we’ll find someone else. Sincerely, All Americans

Me: I need to look up a recipe real quick. YouTube Algorithm: How about this Alisha Lehmann video? Me: Wait, what? Idk who that is. YT: Soccer player. Me: I don’t even like soccer. YT: Alisha. Lehmann. Me: Oh…I guess I could watch for a little while.