[thanksgiving dinner] mom: no politics tonight everyone: absolutely me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution

Me texting Kamala back on Wednesday: “OMG sorry JUST saw these. Do you still need thirty dollars?”

hiding the fact that i voted for Kamala from my hot racist wife

calling in late to work to pretend im voting but i get confused and start coughing and doing a sick voice

I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and "ADT Home Security" is going to win in a landslide.

we gave you a nude statue of John Ashcroft. we gave you chuck e cheese arcade vouchers for Black Asians. And still you vote against Honour..

It would be an honour for me to get inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame

Leftist Joe Rogan: you ever think about if a chimp seized the means of production? those things are like crazy strong

Ask the guy one thing: don't bring cops to the ransom drop. What does he go and do?

Opening my chess game with "the dullard's gambit"

When people are telling me a story about their life it often reminds me of a much better story from my life.

michael e. v. knight Can U imagine one of our ancestral tribe members suddenly announcing that a certain big stretch of woods or a certain huge pond was suddenly "off limits" because it was his "private property" or he "owned it?" At 75, the wise little boy in me is still astounded by the way

That scene from Star Wars when they let the big dog fly the spaceship

*Hulk Hogan ripping off his shirt and shouting 'HELL YEAH BROTHER' as he is sworn in as the new Secretary Of Kicking Ass (formerly defence)

okay but imagine how incredible it must have been to live in the "our products need to get better every year to keep our customers loyal" part of capitalism instead of the "you'll pay more money for worse garbage every year and like it" part of capitalism

Vote like the wind!

OPERATOR: would you like to stay on the line to take a customer satisfaction survey? MICK JAGGER: absolutely I would