I believe in celebrating Fat Tuesday every day. Much like I believe in having seasonal affective disorder 12 months a year.

I get people do 11:30pm shows. But I got to say it's taking everything in me to stay awake for an 8:15 one. I'm old.

It's okay if you feel broken. You're like the tiny potato chip pieces at the bottom of the bag. Everyone knows though are the best ones.

Just like pi, I'm irrational yet still celebrated

Stigma is just discrimination in a party dress. Let's stop fancying it up.

Yet another school shooting. Something the words yet another should never come before. Yet they do. Again. And again. And again

Sounds like her daughter's an asshole.

It's April Fool's Day so make sure you check if stories are true before you share them online. Oh, also do this the other 364 days of the year too.

Printers are my jam

Coronation. More like bore-onation. Am I right??

Goodbye Heather B. Hamilton I'm so sorry this disease took you 🧡

Just checked GoDaddy and momisthebomb.com is available if you still need a gift. Follow me here for more Mother's Day advice.

A watched phone never charges

Just found out I'm not allowed to say fuck in my intensive outpatient program. Now accepting alternative suggestions.

Yo' momma's so stupid she thinks someone else being trans negatively impacts her in some way.

Seats are limited. Buy tickets now imposterstheater.com/schedule/impro…

Chevy Chase is a turd. My apologies to any turds who are offended by this.

The only reason I go on twitter anymore is to read George Wallace tweets. In this messed up world, he's my voice of reason and joy.

Without #CorettaScottKing, there would be no #MLKDay. #MLK95 #MLK