Shocker and whatnot.

How come you only hear about folks being nonchalant? No one is ever like 'To be honest I feel chalant as shit this morning.'

'It's true, 3 of the newly released songs on Taylor Swift's new album are in regards to our tumultuous relationship and whatnot... I'd appreciate privacy during this time'

We grew up so poor we could only watch T. The Terrestrial.

Just brought a bunch of my old shit to Trader Joe's to do some trading but those assholes will only take money. Trader Joe's is a lie and whatnot.

Sublet a place from Billy Joel when I moved to NYC. We hit it off. I was selling bus ads for a living. Decided to go west to do comedy. He sent me this record a year later and told my ass to listen to the first verse. Always makes me smile when I hear it. youtube.com/watch?v=_zA1Ot…

I take back everything I’ve said

Shout out to all the continental breakfasts out there, with the stale muffins and the sad-ass honeydew and the bacon M.I.A. and whatnot.

Shout out to the parts of a nutritious breakfast.

Shout out to all the results that may vary.

Shout out to all the patents that are pending.

Shout out to all the folks asking their doctors if a medication is right for them.

Shout out to McGruff the crime dog.

What the hell am I riding in with Telma Hopkins? You'll have to watch 'Clean Slate' on Amazon to find out. Coming soon and whatnot.

No wonder those assholes are freaking out about the eclipse. It's gonna enter Texas from Mexico and whatnot.

Finally got the call-up. I will start at 3rd base for the Pittsburgh Pirates tomorrow. Thank you for sticking with me through my 5 suspensions for charging the mound after being walked. I will make y'all proud.

I'll straight up freeze during laser tag and laser the shit outta folks during freeze tag. I don't care what 'the man' says and whatnot.

AUSTIN, TEXAS! Hitting Cap City Comedy Club with Marsha Warfield the first weekend in April. It'll be a party and whatnot, so forth. Tix at: capcitycomedy.com

OMG I am stuck in a giant mousetrap and whatnot JK there's no giant mousetrap y'all I am fine and so forth

Where are all the sour potatoes at?