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Had a few glasses of wine in London last night, tried to get home on the tube. However, this proved impossible. A sign read "Dogs must be carried on the escalator." Where am I supposed to find a dog at that time of night?

🤪🤪👍🏻👍🏻🥃🥃

I've just started a band called 999 Megabytes. We haven't done a Gig yet.

My mother struggled all her life to put food on the table for her family. She was really short.

Me: “Oh no, I just found out our next door neighbour has died.” Wife: “Who, Ray?” Me: “I don’t think cheering is appropriate.”

Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

Thad a date last night, really enjoyed it. Tonight I may try a fig.

Nothing worse than looking under your car and seeing you have a bad seal on the diff.

How can I dry my Shakespeare doll on this washing line? Peg your bard on? I said how can I dry my Shakespeare doll on this washing line?

I'm really fed up with shops that give false promises: You can't buy a curry from Curry's. You can't buy boots at Boots. And Superdrug has always been a massive disappointment.

😜👍🏻🥃

That proud moment when you realise you have successfully trained your son to be a master of sarcasm and dad jokes.

Truth! I for one, am that proof!🎶🎸🎶🎸🍻

Lovely, clear evening in London tonight. You could actually see the crane that holds up the moon.

Yep! 😜👍🏻🍻

When I feel inspired, I just remind myself at how I am not good at things and go back to watching TV and eating things I find behind he sofa.

I spent last night adding 1 to all the prime numbers. It was an odd evening.

"My wife's just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing." "Toaster?" "Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!"

This photo was taken just before Bob was given the nickname, One Eyed Bob, the Banjo player.

Julie has two passions in life: Cannabis and horses.