[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy [friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?

getting the candy washed and ready to go for halloween night

watch me die

can't wait to die, and also in this game

added the dancing robot footage over Gil Scott-Heron's "Whitey On The Moon" just to see how it'd sync up

me making $8/hr at a drive thru in 2011: god, this fucking sucks. i hope things are better 10 years from now. god: i can make one of the senators bisexual i guess

(Leatherface bursts onto the screen wielding a chainsaw and wearing a mask made out of someone else's face) Me to the kid i'm babysitting: He represents Grief

Me: if you could go back in time would you kill Hitler as a baby inventor of time travel, drunk: I’d kill Betty White right before she turned 100

Huh. I could swear I remember South Africa being pro-apartheid. Mandela effect?

YES

First kid to the door gets the biggest scoop

the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. "not great man ive got diarrhea" i told him

i got nothin against new england. love their hot fish yogurt

There is a button on my microwave that says "super clown" and I do not ever push that button

in 2005 me and my college buddies made the turkey carcass into a bong. happy Thanksgiving everybody

Florida c'mon man

me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff? shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good