I’ve never had to choose before and I’m sure as hell not gonna start now

Me and my brothers and dad on Christmas

Hey Yahoo can you technically do whatever you want in a floor routine?? Like, what’s NOT allowed #yahooanswers

I got 99 problems and that’s a lotta fuckin problems

I’ll have what she’s having. To go!

I inexplicably think about this song on a weekly basis

My buddy hit me in the head with one of these things once. It was a real salp in the face

The process of writing this caption with definitely human fingers

I haven’t struck out ONCE since the all star break, where’s my tweet??

Check out this fun pod I was on by fun guy Rick Katschke !! And more than anything, don’t forget… SCO DUCKS!!

Neither of them will admit this is true, but I told Bong that Rob should talk in a funny little voice for Mickey 17 and I can’t believe they actually went for it 😂😂🤣

Me in Berlin in the late 80s: “Mr. Gorbachev… THROW ME THAT BALL I’m open!!”

So what, I was drivin 18 wheelers by kindergarten

“Four score and seven years ago… I was still in law school!” - the friggin lincoln lawyer

“Dude, knock it off!!” - me in a gun fight

I’ll fight the winner of the Jake Paul/mike Tyson fight for forty bucks

Love this guy

Beetlejuice just sounds like they drink they give you on the Snowpiercer train