Beautiful HR lady my age +5: We found your twitter. You are fired Me: *eyes closed and floating like I’m drifting toward a pie on a windowsill I smelled* Now that we are not coworkers anymore… Do yoy listen to Beach House

(MLB announcer when the worst guy on the team finally does something good) hes always doing shit like that and he’s one of our best guys

Trying to think of what it would take to get me to care about the Cracker Barrel logo. Maybe if they changed it to a swastika or a photo of two dogs fucking. Maybe if they changed it to a portrait of me, captioned with my address & the phrase "kill this man & get a free waffle."

Todd Kalas vs Jeff Bagwell in the booth

Why don’t you send everyone proof of life first? (Either way, Chicago doesn’t want you here)

Dak prescott is playing the game of his life and matt eberflus is such a worthless slack-jawed lizard man it won’t even matter he could give up a designed qb run TD to Greg Abbott

Charles Entertainment Kirk

You mean like they could’ve set up an intimate assassination appointment? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT YOU FUCKING DINGBAT? I HATE HOW GODDAMN STUPID EVERYONE IS NOW!

We need Talk Tuah now more than ever

CJ Stroud: Good job out there, bro. Stop taking those hits. Learn from those mistakes, and everything that you got, bro, is in you already Caleb williams (sucking out his quarterbacking abilities with Druid witchcraft): 𝕽𝖊𝖚𝖇 𝖉𝖔 𝖓𝖊𝖆𝖗𝖙 𝖗𝖎𝖚𝖒𝖘𝖆, 𝖆 𝖑𝖆𝖔𝖎𝖈𝖍

360 no scoping the jingling keys from the other side of the map

“and how much is left on the car?” “17 thousand” “and you rent?” “i do” “and any other debt” “um a 6 thousand dollar personal loan from my brother” “mmmkay, and what kind of assets are we working with” “well $18 in checking and $1.4 million in fartcoin last I checked”

yeah the 6 piece combo president #fatass 😂🤦‍♂️

this is my girlfriend the second i put on a movie i'm excited to show her

“JB the CTA is in a budget crisis what are we gonna do?” Pritzker:

when your a white dog with a clock 😂