Been thinking about LAW & ORDER a lot . Deep down I’m more of a CSI girl really because my entire flat looks like a crime scene right now. I ate 5 Taco Bell and I’m convinced I will die alone and be eaten by Alsatians . Ugh

Very flattered! Someone in Tesco’s just asked if I was under 25!* . . . . . . *By someone I mean self serve check out and by ask I mean demanded that I check or box or I couldn’t have the booze...BUT STILL

"You could see the outline of his dick, like a molerat in a straight jacket" might be the greatest sentence I have ever read.

Ugh. A bad man and a nasty woman are trying to get rid of me. I Bridget Trump shall not be defeated by people with morals or fortitude! I choose corruption & Chaka Khan. Also a trip to Four Seasons Total Landscaping Taco bowls - 5 Appreciation for the people who made them - 0

‘No vaccine for me mate! I don’t trust anything that hasn’t been vigorously market tested’ said Danny as he snorted a line of coke cut with Daz Ultra that had been fished out of a geezer in Hounslow’s arsehole less than 2 hours prior ‘I’m not a complete mug!’

I Bridget Trump will not be beaten by a better man and a popular woman. I choose recounts, executive orders and Breibart Cigs - 2 BAD KFC - 3 Adult diapers - 4

I Bridget Trump will not be banned from Twitter

I hate peaches

my middle school girlfriend is WANTED by the FBI for stealing nancy pelosi’s computer and trying to sell it to the Russians.

Sometimes I get two thirds of the way through unloading the dishwasher, lose the will to live, and just leave that last third in to enjoy a second wash. I throw myself upon your mercy.

Anyone else ever buy a butternut squash and just let it live in the kitchen for 3 months before giving up and throwing it away? Or just me ?

Just discovered Tiffany Stevenson who is everything we all need at the money (aside from a new kettle and cheaper gas). Keep it coming Tiffany Stevenson 👏🏻🙏🏻

No one can impersonate me Bridget Trump! I am unimpersonable!

Honestly don’t even know why I try to fit in with the guys. 😔

We need an app called ‘unfuck’ to delete people you are embarrassed you fucked. Kinda like Eternal Sunshine but for fucking

Happy International Writing Men day! You can celebrate by booking tickets to see me Soho Theatre on April 1st & 2nd sohotheatre.com/book-online/12… #InternationalWomensDay #InternationalWomensDay2025

dog i met on my walk in the park who has to wear this because a hawk has lifted her up four times

What? Get on this outrageously good line up with more treats to be added london.thecomedystore.co.uk/event/old-rope/

Will. Not. Go to MLK memorial. Instead invited MLK III to golden tower 4 blue soup. He should be grateful for opp as am v. busy & important

Will be having many meetings this weekend at The Southern White Supremacist House. Wardrobe crisis though, I own nothing with a hood! V bad