do you live in one of the counties that half of americans live in

POV: on the way to the polls to vote for Biden

We showed up to Thanksgiving with pie and left with a doggo. The rest of 2020 should manageable.

If you drank Beetus at Flatspot, out of a Rubbermaid, in a 130+ year old rat infested, asbestos filled building in Chinatown, don’t worry what’s in the COVID vaccine fam...

i look at a girl’s tweets and think “What The Fuck Are You Talking About” and then decide i am in love with her

America is indire need of a cigarette

I don’t care what’s in the vaccine, inject that shit in me already so I can go bowling again.

"we havent had sex in a while please fuck me tonight" - my gf "How am I supposed to make that work?! We've got to find someone that has a penis"

If you’re a tradesmen you respawn at 5:59AM, either in the jobsite portajohn, or at Home Depot waiting for the doors to open.

Onlyfans but it’s me doing non permitted construction work while causing multiple OSHA violations.

She’s hanging out at some dudes fancy million dollar house I’m finally posting for the first on my meme account I started over a year ago. Things are going pretty good.

So far all of life has pointed me towards heterosexuality, however sometimes when I’m at Costco and see a gay couple I fantasize about what it would be like to shop there with my imaginary male life partner.

This is the bus lane content you came to Twitter for. You're welcome.

Update: I guess we’re bowling again in Washington state, but without the vaccine. Masks still required.

Can I get a discount?